sadiq
29 May
This post is dedicated to everyone at the Blogger’s Happy Hour who said my blog is too inspirational. Ha, take that!
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Sadiq was officially the scariest boy in school. No contest.
One good look at him and you knew something was massively wrong with this dude. Okay, calling him a dude was a bit far-fetched, however sophisticated your upbringing was. Actually, to be more honest, your first genuine, undeniable reaction when you saw Sadiq, was “holy sh…”
You’d never get the chance to properly articulate your thoughts if, Sadiq, in all his omnipresence, chose that very moment to look at you.
Little boys peed in their pants every time Sadiq looked at them. Frozen in place from sheer terror, their lips would start quivering, and a split second later, eyes, nose and lower appendage would start running.
The “big” boys ( they were only big when compared to the little boys ) stopped in their tracks for a full five seconds, then very slowly, they’d retreat, keeping a very close eye on Sadiq. It was, however, impossible to look Sadiq in the eyes, so they’d focus instead on that area just above the tip of his nose.
It was the most visually acceptable place on Sadiq’s face, because right there, in that most aesthetic of facial features, the pimples were fewest.
Sadiq, as you must have surmised by now, was not the most handsome of fellows. See, first off, Sadiq had no neck. His double chin literally met his chest, and there was just the slightest of gaps where you could see an ambitious pubescent Adam’s apple bobbing up and down in its futile quest for existence. Then, his nose was large and flat, and, like the rest of his face, sprinkled very generously with the most unwanted of all adolescence scourges, pimples.
No, I don’t mean freckles. I mean pimples. The kind that had little huge small big large impressive condescending white heads ripe for the picking. And oh boy, did Sadiq pick. Even at 3am, when the world was asleep, if you strained your ear just slightly, you could hear Sadiq, across the dormitory, fingers searching his face earnestly for a white-head.
His satisfaction would radiate through the darkness as he found one, and then…
POP.
Apologies, I digress.
Where was I? Ah yes. Just above the tip of the nose however, was a place of tranquility, where the pimples were few, and sparse. It was easy to assume this was one small mercy that Sadiq’s face had been granted, but no. That small place of pimple peace compensated by simply sweating so profusely Sadiq was forced to walk with a handkerchief everywhere he went. For an near-adolescent African boy rebelling against order, neatness and authority, there is no higher humiliation.
At this point, it would be redundant to describe the rest of Sadiq’s face, as his handsomeness has already been ascertained. And while I know many of you are positively itching to know what the rest of his impeccably formed face looked like, I shall resist scratching the itch, and merely say this:
Sadiq’s mouth was wider than his eyes, which in turn were uneven, with one being about twice as big as the other. Uncle Ruckus from The Boondocks would be proud.
To compound things even more, Sadiq had two other problems; One, he was about three feet taller than the average boy in school, and two, Sadiq was fat. Unbelievably, ridiculously, impossibly fat.
On one of his first days in school, Sadiq was asked to participate in one of the exercises that involved hopping with one leg around in a circle.
He was never asked to do any exercise again.
In a single sex primary education institution that lived by the mantra “survival for the biggest”, Sadiq was the juvenile equivalent of Atilla the Hun. And, like Atilla, his turf was undisputed.
Had the mantra been “Survival for the ugliest …” Hmmm… Ugliest… no, I hate that word. Had the mantra been “Survival for the most Aesthetically Challenged, Vertically Endowed and Rotundly Liberated”, Sadiq would be God. And this world would be his playground.
Sadiq, in fact was not popular. Feared, yes. Respected, yes, albeit for all the wrong reasons. But popular? That, Sadiq was not.
Sadiq had only one friend. Me.
And I was darned proud of it!
The beginning of our friendship is a tale of its own, a story fit only to be woven by a bard of the order of Cacofonix. A tale made to unfold only around the glowing embers of a camp-fire. A tale of such legendary magnitude that it can only be told in the depths of an cold starlit night. A tale…
Apologies, I digress again.
Having laid the foundation for Sadiq’s stunning physique and striking facial features, imagine my shock, when one day, I saw Sadiq, waddling up the hill, out of breath, screaming like the very minions of hell were after his soul, heading straight my way. A lesser mortal would have fainted at the sight of such attention from Sadiq.
Actually, three of the four dudes I was talking to turned and fled, afraid for their very lives. The fourth fainted. For real.
But not I, I was Sadiq’s only friend. We were homeboys, darnit!
Breathless wheezing panting, Sadiq finally arrived where I was standing, doubled over and clutched at his chest. I panicked for a moment, and reached out to my friend.
He held up a finger.
Wait, it implied.
He continued wheezing.
For a good minute.
Another minute passed.
Then another.
Two more.
I was getting impatient.
Another.
And finally.
Sadiq looked up.
Smiled.
A freaky scary heart attack inducing smile.
And spoke.
“Dude, I think I’m in love!”
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Rogue FM: The Lion King Soundtrack – Hakuna Matata
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Offtopic:
Ha! Take that! – The Rogue King.
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Me first!!!!!!!
Howdy King!
Why did you cut the story at that point? Come on! Tell us what happened…
Hey Val! You’ve been pretty scarce. Done with the exams already?
About the story, I just like suspense. But I may finish it later. We’ll see.
Awww… the beast hath found its beauty. Or did it perchance find another beast?
Hahaha, found another beast?? I like that twist Mama Pete!
Dude, are you dating again?
I’m disappointed in you, boy.
Erique… You’ve forgotten I know where you live. And I have a certain skill with things that go boom.
uuuuhhhhh…
Yeah.
All hail the king, dude, I figure you need a bodyguard in boarding school but how’d you put up with that beast? sure he did’nt take your pocket money?
Naaah, Sadiq had a secret, so yeah, I had one up on him.
i think i know sadiq, i could tell from the description. his mother used to sell pancakes at my primary school.
Hahaha, dude, Sadiq didn’t grow up in the plains of Mbarara. Wait… maybe he did.
solomon, that smile is blinding. Now, i will proceed to read after making that all important point
Which smile? Sadiq’s? Trust me, it definitely was. Hahaha. Consider your point taken in good faith.
This is soooooo funny. Very well written! Eh, but you have slain Sadiq! I want to meet him
Glad you liked it Auntie Pop. I ain’t slain no one, honest to God. Tis jus’ the plain ole truth, ma’am.
Yay DK!
“Survival for the most Aesthetically Challenged, Vertically Endowed and Rotundly Liberated.”
LOL. This is good stuff, DK. And yes, RK is just a tad too inspirational. Just a tiny bit.
*Are you up for Erique’s orgy?
LOL, easy Teti. Thank you, thank you.
I’m definitely up for the writing orgy. Although I might throw you guys a curveball you won’t recover from.
oh this was really good…
the part about the 3 dudes running away and the 1 who fainted made me laugh so hard. guys in the office must have wondered if i am high on something…
thank you.
Sybella! You’ve been scarce! Good to see you here. And, you, are most welcome.
“Survival for the most Aesthetically Challenged, Vertically Endowed and Rotundly Liberated”..i like that too. And i started doing sit-ups for the orgy…this is nice. I am so sure streetsider knows sadiq..
Actually, you and Streetsider should know Sadiq. Y’all grew up in the same hood, not so? And the orgy is turning out pretty good methinks.
Hehehehe.. a true wire to the detail.. I guess when all fails, only Love can bring a beast to its knees..
Yup, you know how we roll, from way back! Wires all the way. How you doing?
I ran away at the description of the pimple popping…ew. Be back later after a retch or two.
It was that disgusting! Then I must say I did an awfully brilliant job!
dude the way you make pimples sound so popply, i wish it wasn’t happening but i know it happens to big fat people.
and yeah, the am in love part had me smiling.
Dude! Good to have you here! No comment on the pimples & fat people bit!
I should be creeping in here shamefaced seeing as how I have discovered your blog tooooo late, but i can’t. Beacause I’m laughing too much to be inconspicuous, what what!! I have laughed!! let me come back and comment properly after explaining to my housemates why Loco’s shrieks of mirth are waking all and sundry at weird hours of the morning!!
Hey Loco, welcome to this little corner of the web. Glad you liked the post. Sadly, these are few, the rest are more philosophical.
But do drop by often!
And thanks for the twitter follow too!
But you are good! Has anyone told you, you are good? Because you are. Will definitely be back to read this entire blog. I am hooked.
Why thank you Fluff, I’ll take that as a compliment. And do come around more often!
whaaaahahahaha after making him out to be some ghoul from the Addams family….waoh! hes in love…thats sweet, continue i wanna listen to more of this rather outlandish tale, sounds like a beauty and beast thing
Well, let’s hope there’s more of this story to come!
lmao.
dude,you’ve rly cracked the sh*t out of me…..
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