breaking apart the years
Again, I had a post I’d started here, but it ended up at 2 W.E.A.K Dudes. Head over there for a spot.
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A while back, I posted something about letting the old go. And since then, I stopped using the old phone. I simply switched it off one day, and it hasn’t been on since.
I know there are people trying to call me, but I know they will find my new number. After all, I haven’t called using the old phone in almost five months. I thought of sending out a message to all 700 contacts, but I just decided to pretend I’d lost the phone. Very irresponsible, I know, but there was no other way I could have handled it. I’d have been stuck in another handwringing-what-if-no-i-can’t indecisive loop.
So I just turned the phone off.
I’ve been doing a lot of self evaluation over the past few months, mostly because the responsibilities I’ve been hit with have been huge, but mostly because I feel somehow I have failed to achieve what I set out to achieve, and that somehow, I’ve becoming lost in my own idealism and belief in what kind of life I have to live.
So I need to figure out what exactly I want in this life, in business, in my relationships, especially with God.
Two thing that keep recurring in this self evaluation are:
1. I brutally need to let some things so. Even more brutally than waking up one day and giving away all my stuff.
2. I have to embrace change, I have to embrace some of my irrational fears, and I have to embrace responsibility. I already do this, but I have to do it more aggressively than I have done in the past.
I have goals and dreams, so many, more than you can imagine, but somehow, I feel like I’ve slipped away from the weathered track, like I’m now wandering through this jungle, picking any direction and just hacking away at it until I meet an arboreal wall I cannot go through, then I change direction and do the same thing over again.
I need something… I don’t know what it is, but I need to find out what exactly is wrong, where I went wrong, and how to fix it. What’s the point in failure if you cannot learn from it?
Or as one of the Bond girls put it, “what’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive?”
I’m staying at our family home for the next few weeks, it’s not something I’m enjoying tremendously, but I know that all my actions, every single step, every decision has led me to this day, to this place. This moment of reckoning. This moment where my past, my present and my future somehow coalesce into this one… being.
So while I’m here, while I deal with the deepest of my fears, somehow, I must also figure out what I want to do with my life. If indeed I am where I want to be, or if I’m in transition, or if I’m just so massively lost that retracing my footsteps will be a futile effort, so lost that I need to start all over again.
I guess it’s only apt that I’m in the one place where I can truly go the seemingly million years into my past.
I guess, twisted as it may seem, I’m in the right place to start over.
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Ontopic:
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
– Anais Nin
14 Responses to “breaking apart the years”
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Two W.E.A.K Dudes » Blog Archive » the sum of all fears on November 2nd, 2008
[...] over at Rogue King, it always starts out there, then somehow finds its way here. But there’s another companion post over there [...]
Mr. Back2Basics... on November 2nd, 2008
Dawg…
surely you are on the right road…
can i derail you with a few shots of Jack Daniel’s when you are stable enuff…
Love the post bwana
Mr. Back2Basics…’s last blog post..~knowing~understanding~agreeing~
eddsla on November 2nd, 2008
The earlier you start, the sooner you get there…good luck.
Miss Cheri on November 2nd, 2008
B2B, those are my socks.
Ever the one to suggest drinks.
Miss Cheri’s last blog post..The musicians and music we adore…
me me me on November 3rd, 2008
been thinking of taking a giant leap myself. Good to know i’m not by myself!
good luck!
Emi's on November 3rd, 2008
Shoot!!!!
Emi’s’s last blog post..Yaip
jasmine on November 3rd, 2008
say i want your email address, how do i get it? please?
Solomon King on November 3rd, 2008
@B2B, I don’t drink nothin but wine, and even then, very moderately… but given my current situation, those Jack Daniels are mighty temptin
@eddsla, thanks.
@Miss Cheri…
@me me me, thank you, and welcome to this little corner
@Emi’s…
@jasmine, sent you an email, but from our old servers, so it might be in junk. Just crosscheck.
Cheers all.
smelling the coffee on November 3rd, 2008
let it all out. all of it. hurts like a bitch( forgive the language) but its a start.
and that jack daniel that B2B’s offering is a mighty fine idea!
sleek on November 3rd, 2008
nothing a number of shots won’t cure…take straight shots and be4 u know it, u’ll REALLY know what u want in life…trust me, it worked for Mr,. B2B…
Seriously tho, hope it comes to u..really
petesmama on November 4th, 2008
You already have everything you need to get through this. Don’t think too hard. Just be. Go with the flow and be.
Emi's on November 4th, 2008
In other words, go ahead and propel yourself to that next step and God speed!!
Dude, don’t you watch movies or read novels?
Emi’s’s last blog post..The Playlist..one
Sybella on November 10th, 2008
how’s everything progressing for you now?
Sybella’s last blog post..Thankful…
The Rogue King » bravery is not the absence of fear on November 18th, 2008
[...] self evaluation madness continues. I know I have talked much about fear, etc, but it not the fear we all identify [...]