The Rogue King

Life. Design. Technology. Business

breaking apart the years

Again, I had a post I’d started here, but it ended up at 2 W.E.A.K Dudes. Head over there for a spot.

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A while back, I posted something about letting the old go. And since then, I stopped using the old phone. I simply switched it off one day, and it hasn’t been on since.

I know there are people trying to call me, but I know they will find my new number. After all, I haven’t called using the old phone in almost five months. I thought of sending out a message to all 700 contacts, but I just decided to pretend I’d lost the phone. Very irresponsible, I know, but there was no other way I could have handled it. I’d have been stuck in another handwringing-what-if-no-i-can’t indecisive loop.

So I just turned the phone off.

I’ve been doing a lot of self evaluation over the past few months, mostly because the responsibilities I’ve been hit with have been huge, but mostly because I feel somehow I have failed to achieve what I set out to achieve, and that somehow, I’ve becoming lost in my own idealism and belief in what kind of life I have to live.

So I need to figure out what exactly I want in this life, in business, in my relationships, especially with God.

Two thing that keep recurring in this self evaluation are:

1. I brutally need to let some things so. Even more brutally than waking up one day and giving away all my stuff.

2. I have to embrace change, I have to embrace some of my irrational fears, and I have to embrace responsibility. I already do this, but I have to do it more aggressively than I have done in the past.

I have goals and dreams, so many, more than you can imagine, but somehow, I feel like I’ve slipped away from the weathered track, like I’m now wandering through this jungle, picking any direction and just hacking away at it until I meet an arboreal wall I cannot go through, then I change direction and do the same thing over again.

I need something… I don’t know what it is, but I need to find out what exactly is wrong, where I went wrong, and how to fix it. What’s the point in failure if you cannot learn from it?

Or as one of the Bond girls put it, “what’s the point of living if you can’t feel alive?”

I’m staying at our family home for the next few weeks, it’s not something I’m enjoying tremendously, but I know that all my actions, every single step, every decision has led me to this day, to this place. This moment of reckoning. This moment where my past, my present and my future somehow coalesce into this one… being.

So while I’m here, while I deal with the deepest of my fears, somehow, I must also figure out what I want to do with my life. If indeed I am where I want to be, or if I’m in transition, or if I’m just so massively lost that retracing my footsteps will be a futile effort, so lost that I need to start all over again.

I guess it’s only apt that I’m in the one place where I can truly go the seemingly million years into my past.

I guess, twisted as it may seem, I’m in the right place to start over.

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Ontopic:

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

–  Anais Nin

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