The past two weeks have been absolute chaos.
I discovered two truths that despite my strongest efforts, and despite all outward appearances, have left me utterly and absolutely broken. The details, of course, will never see the light of day, at least not on a blog. But suffice it to say that almost every single day has been a test of my resolve to continue with this. As if life itself is taunting me, mockingly asking me if I really have what it takes to become what I dream of, what I hope for. And in the process, caused me to question the very sanity in what I am doing.
The urge to just open the door and walk away and embrace freedom. Freedom to be normal, to be average. Freedom to accept things the way they are and do just enough.
But the problem is; it doesn’t stop there. Slowly, we sink back into our old ways, and compromise more and more, and do less and less, until we are so used to our mediocrity that it becomes the new aspiration. And following shortly on the heels of that is moral decay and a intellectual apathy.
This is a freedom that chains me to a lifetime of regret. And I will not have that. I will not be eternally haunted by hindsight.
The Asylum. It’s a 90 day stretch, but it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s a refusal to be mediocre, it’s a refusal to accept defeat. It’s an acknowledgement that yes, I am deeply flawed – we all are – but it’s also a refusal to let the flaws control me. It’s a look back at what is past and an understanding that I cannot change the mistakes I made along the way, the friends I lost, the small simple things that I ignored that would have made a world of a difference to someone somewhere, but knowing that I can learn from that, and at the very least, make amends, and at the very most, look forward with the knowledge and wisdom gained from the errs of yesteryear.
The Asylum is many things to me. I cannot fully explain it all. But one thing that is obvious, is that it is not a pleasant place. It is much worse than I expected, but I am 30% there. My journey has started, and I cannot turn back. Not now. Not ever.
No matter what life throws my way, I will stand.
I will protect this house.
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward.”
- Rocky Balboa